


If You Were Me

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-05
Updated: 2004-08-05
Packaged: 2019-02-05 14:22:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: Written for the Red Shirt WheelAn alien observer can't keep from meddling.





	If You Were Me

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

If You Were Me

written by Chris Rea

(performed with Elton John on EJ's album Duets)

 

If you were me

And I was you

If you had to play my part out

What would you do

Two crazy stories

Two different views

If you were me

And I was you.

 

If you were me

And I was you

What kind of crazy things

Would I have to do

Who likes to party

Who stays at home

If you were me

And I was you.

 

Never like strangers

Though never the same

Two circus sideshows

That laughed in the rain

You stayed with the full moon

You searched for the stars

Thank god in his heaven

Here we both are.

 

 

 

If you were me and I was you, if you had to play your part out, what would you do?

 

Prefects, here is my story, without dissemble and as complete as this brief audience allows.

 

I'll never understand humans. They are beyond me no matter how many classes I take on the species. Still, although I have heard so many of my kind say that they dislike being around humans, I find them fascinating.

 

In particular, I found the human hybrid I was assigned to observe an endless source of amusement. He was my first assignment. I was a young Ochankyu on first assignment. For those outsiders in this audience, unlike the Star Ship Enterprise, Ochankyu don't have a prime directive not to interfere. Look, if you had the Riticulans as neighbors, you wouldn't have scruples either.

 

I still had my ideals when I followed my subject into the Hoover building that first day. I had left my pod behind, saying fond good-byes to each of my four parents. I was their first child and I left with many admonishments and good wishes. 

 

My specialty in college was not actually humans. I was much more interested in a race not currently under invasion from the Riticulans. The increasing pace of the Reticulan marauding made my hopes of peaceful zoological study impossible to pursue.

 

Following a crash orientation to the human species and several miserable weeks in boot camp, I met my subject at last. He was a new graduate of the FBI academy or at least that was the disguise he was wearing. I had been told that my subject was a minor player in a human conspiracy that sided with the Riticulans. He was not considered of much importance, which is why a young Ochankyu such as myself was assigned to him.

 

I used my temporary guise as a Hoover maintenance worker to install surveillance equipment in all locations of interest to my subject.

 

My human assignment shortly met with a more important human, another of the Rituculan experiments in mingling their disgusting genes with the inhabitants of Earth. At least my subject had genetic material from a less repulsive source.

 

Despite his unfortunate antecedents, the Reticulan hybrid was passably attractive by the standards of his predominant species, as I understand such things. My subject was also a superior specimen.

 

Naturally, my counterpart, being of superior rank, relinquished the task of watching both humans when it became evident that they were indulging in mating rituals. We both assumed that the resulting bonding would keep the two together for at least the night. Neither of us had studied human sexuality extensively so we were not aware that humans do not always share the night with those with whom they mate. In fact, I missed the session that covered sexuality entirely as one of my parent's pod mates was bonded with his-her chosen mates that day.

 

I knew that the usual pattern of human relationships consisted of two adults with or without offspring. Other than that, I was hazy on the details. Wishing to correct my lack of diligence, I took the guise of a pizza delivery man and gained access to the secondary subject's apartment. From that point, I briefly clouded their minds...not a difficult task with a human, I must add.

 

The food substance, pizza, bears an unfortunate relationship to a neighboring race that we Ochankyu call Huhtts. One must wonder if they also visited this miserable backwater of a planet. If so, I fear they fell prey to human appetite. It is my belief that humans created pizza in an effort to reproduce the elusive flavor of the delicious Huhtts.

 

For a third rate planet in a solar system with as many points of cosmic culture as North Dakota, there is an amazing amount of traffic around this place. As the ancient Native American race said after the pilgrims landed, what they really needed was a stricter immigration law.

 

After eating, the humans engaged in some sort of ritual combat that consisted of wrestling and attempting to devour each other. I was concerned that they might share the Hasselti race's habit of eating their mates, but apparently the oral contact stopped short of that. Both humans undressed in some haste. At this point, I noticed that I seemed to have configured a part of my human anatomy inadequately. The appendage with which I released liquid wastes when in human form hung limp between my lower limbs. In these two specimens, the appendage seemed much more upright and also maintained a red coloration that I had failed to imitate. I made notes, planning to correct my appearance at a later date.

 

My subject seemed to be the receptive party in the copulation. He lay on his back with his limbs over the Reticulan hybrid's shoulders as the creature inserted his stiff appendage into the orifice I thought was reserved for solid waste release. I was very disgusted with the research division. They had badly misinformed me about human anatomy.

 

After making loud noises of what I assumed was pleasure, the humans slumbered. Upon waking, they reserved the procedure. No offspring was born off this tryst which is why I assumed it was diligently repeated over the remaining time the two were mates.

 

OooOooO

 

For unknown reasons, my subject abruptly left the company of his mate. You must remember that I was a very young Ochankyu and was far from home. I realized at this point that I had become attached to this creature rather as humans might find themselves caring for a pretty rat assigned to them for a college experiment.

 

My subject was unhappy, exuding saline from his eyes in an alarming fashion when he was alone. He no longer seemed content with his role and elders in his organization were becoming angry with him. From the reactions of these human collaborators to my subject's emotional outbursts, I assumed regretfully that I would soon be reassigned as a result of my subject's demise.

 

To my surprise, my subject survived a series of attempts to kill him. My superiors seemed more shocked than I was. In my brief meetings with other Ochankyu, I became aware that my comrades were betting on when my subject would finally run out of luck. Ochankyu love to gamble so I should have taken this in good spirit but could not.

 

Finally, my lab rat ended in a trap that his luck could not salvage. His body had been invaded by one of the Rituculan parasites. I had nearly fainted and lost my shields watching this happen. It was the first time I saw one of the creatures outside of a host. Amazing how such an amorphous blob could convey such menace.

 

After the Rituculan left him, my poor subject was left buried in some sort of burrow created for food storage by his race. His former employer seemed amused by the thought of the slow death awaiting the young man who had defied him.

 

I knew that it was my duty to observe and record each moment until my subject expired. Yet as I listened and watched, I found that I was not capable of scientific objectivity. When I was a student, I dreamed of academic fame and fortune. Perhaps it was as well that I was drafted into the Great War instead. I only knew that I could not stand by and write notes as my subject suffered.

 

I carried my subject out into the cold air of the locality, gave him liquid nourishment, and hoped that I would not be cashiered out of the force when my superiors found what I had done. Before I could decide what to do, along came a group of disreputable looking humans. They might have left my subject or killed him with the nonchalance of squashing a bug except that he rallied enough strength to persuade them that he had information that could profit them.

 

By this time, I had brushed up on my missing curriculum information and was aware that the human species had two genders. My subject's mate was the same gender as himself, which explained why their strenuous attempts to reproduce had not resulted in offspring. They did seem to enjoy the effort however.

 

In any event, I had now witnessed several distressing meetings between my subject and his mate, the Reticulan hybrid. Although humans as I discovered set a standard of mating for life like swans; as a primate species, they had more of a nature to be polyamorous. Despite this genetic predisposition, my subject and his mate seemed unable to bond to subsequent sexual partners. The violent dominance shown by the Reticulan hybrid seemed aimed at expressing both his ownership of my subject and relieving his anger. In return, my subject seemed to solicit this behavior perhaps in the hopes of evoking a mating response.

 

My travels took me to Russia where I borrowed the truck and appearance of a conveyer of goods. Later I took the shape of a mutilated local specimen. I was making furious notes of the strange colony of one-armed humans when they set upon my subject and performed the same amputation.

 

After that, I was forced to intervene several times to save my subjects life. I admit that by this time, I had lost any focus of my observing role. I gratuitously intervened to assure that my subject survived his extremely risky life.

 

To my surprise, my formerly unimportant subject was now rated as a significant factor in the human struggle against the Riticulans. There was discussion of removing me and replacing me with a more experienced operative. I swiftly asked my third and fourth parental units to intervene as they were highly placed in Ochankyu government. They prevailed and I continued to watch over my by now beloved subject.

 

I revealed myself to my subject around this point in time, as he had become despondent and strange. He had been around enough extraterrestrial beings to immediately attempt to kill me with an alien stiletto. I relieved him of the idea that this would work although it took several trials on his part and he became frustrated in the extreme.

 

When I presented my idea, he was at first taken back, but gradually came around to my way of thinking. I had absorbed some of my subject's devious nature by this point in time so I was odds on the winner in a war of wits with the Reticulan hybrid's keeper. 

 

The hybrid was resistant to my idea at first, but after a while a crazy smile that I had not seen for ages crept across his face.

 

The two mates went through their violent courting ritual. This time, I was there to assure that it did not end without satisfaction.

 

Shortly afterwards, I took my subject's place to fake his death and remove him from the scrutiny of a second observer that my superiors believed I know nothing about. Amusing, the effort was transparent and I was no longer a rookie. I suppose in human terms, it was evident that I had 'gone native' so to speak. What the hell, in for a dime, in for a dollar.

 

The three of us and the hybrid's female counterpart hid in a place that allowed us to move about the country freely to sabotage the Reticulan invasion. I believe it is called a circus. The unhappy female found fulfillment as a geek, eating inedible objects for the entertainment of the rubes. 

 

The Reticulan Hybrid's observer eventually tracked us down, but taking a leaf from my subject's book, I seduced him/her. We then assumed our native shapes. Because of the nature of circus side shows, even the most outrageous exhibits were thought to be fakes. Although many were the result of makeup and plastic applications, my new pod mate and I were not the only extraterrestrials hiding in plain sight among the sideshow freaks. It was very amusing. 

 

To make a long story short, we were very successful in our efforts. The Riticulans eventually left to find easier prey and my subject was left to enjoy mating rituals with his beloved to his heart's content.

 

And now, if you will excuse me, my audience is calling. Show business is my life...

 

The end


End file.
